The Title is ______.

2009-05-18T18:20:00.001-04:00

i get married in five days.

weddings!

2009-05-04T05:39:00.002-04:00

well. my brother is getting married on saturday. i am getting married two weeks later. these have been busy times for my family. it's amazing how fast the time has gone...there are so many details to work out! but things are coming together nicely. that's the update.

WEDDDDDDDDDDING! soon!

2009-01-28T18:24:00.004-05:00

I am planning a wedding. fo reaaalz, yo. it's awesome. We have a lot of things already locked in place. I've got a church, a reception place, food, flowers, a dress, a family and a groom. I likey! chad is great. he makes me glad. I talked with one of my dear friends from college for almost two hours this afternoon. It was wonderful to hear her advice and learn from her about the ways she has learned to trust the Lord with her life. I admire this woman. We, at times, have undergone parallel painful chapters in our lives. She married a wonderful man. And now she gets to see me marry one too.

i think the reason i've been so MIA on this blog the past ten months is because i've been busy learning how much i need jesus. Nothing will do that to you like a relationship...

I'm also taking an online class. who knew those were so much FREAKING WORK???????!?!? good grief.

anyway, i sort of miss the blogging world. maybe i will start getting back into it again. Chad and i are figuring out details of where to live and such things...but i think i can squeeze in some blogging here and there!

for those of you NOT on facebook, my ring is a sapphire with lots of diamond chips all around it. white gold. it is exactly suited to me. and so is chad. !!!

be well. i have to do homework now. (i can't believe how much time i've wasted since saturday morning!)

The News.

2009-01-24T18:04:00.001-05:00

I'm gettin' married. It's good.

ok.

2008-10-04T10:35:00.002-04:00

also my brother got engaged, but i wasnt allowed to talk about it at first because our older sister (who lives in tanzania) was vacationing in Rwanda with her family and he couldnt get in touch with her right away to break the news. but now she knows so it's fair blog-game.

my blog has been up and running for three years. do any of you people still read it? hmm. i wonder. i have another question. so do some people go back and read through years of someone else's blog? i can't say that i have...but i have read through my own blog a few times. i like to do that once in a while. it is weird to revisit old thoughts in some ways. anyway.

i had breakfast with julie and we went for a long walk around town. very lovely. early autumn is my FAVORITE season.

maybe i will also try to go to the beach today.

tapestry, tigers and bears. oh my!

2008-09-28T19:16:00.002-04:00

today i bought a tapestry. i have quite literally been searching for the *perfect* wall tapestry for at least five years. it cost $27 dollars. not too shabby! i love it. i knew immediately that it was the one. also, i went to the harvard museum of natural history this afternoon. it was pretty cool. i never really realized how different bengel tigers and mongolian tigers look before today. and did you know that it took less than 100 years for the dodo bird to become extinct after it was discovered? so sad. completely wiped out. there was also a skeleton of some sort of prehistoric cave bear with enormous teeth.

it was brought to my attention that i have not been writing in my blog as much these days. this is true. i suppose i've just been busy...there's not too much to say, but i'll sum up.

my boyfriend, chad is pretty great. so there's that. also, my sister got married almost two months ago now. i got in a car wreck in june and am just now finishing up with physical therapy. i purchased a new car (new to me) which i like a lot except that i discovered that the trunk leaks. i tried to fix it with duct tape. it sort of worked. but not really. i moved into a new apartment the first week of august and and finally beginning to feel settled. my family is doing really well and i will be turning 27 on november 8th. i also plan to visit pittsburgh on my birthday weekend. my brother, sister and brother-in-law all live there now. that's about all.

well.

2008-08-26T06:12:00.002-04:00

i bought a car. it needs a tune-up but i got a good deal on it. 60,000 miles. 99 prism...which is actually a corolla. toyota sold corollas to chevy because some people only buy american. isn't that crazy? i learned lots of new things over the past two months.

i must say that i am relieved to have my own car. it's been a bit frustrating to be continuously at the mercy of other people, and i got a little worn out.

it's not entirely over...i am still haggling with insurance over the value of the other car and i have to go to the RMV sometime this week. then i have to get the new car inspected.

....not to mention the physical therapy treatment i've been receiving the last couple of weeks. Well, that's the update.

mahwadge is what bwings us togehvah

2008-08-07T08:09:00.002-04:00

my little sister gets married on saturday. things have been very hectic around these here parts...my vacation has not been what you would call "restful" by any stretch. but it's been fun. looking forward to the grand festivities on saturday.

next week will be slower. chad and i are heading to new york to see his family. it will be nice to have a chance to wind down.

cheers.

how low can ya go

2008-07-18T23:25:00.002-04:00

i've been feeling pressed down this week. i'm in a funky position and it's uncomfortable and awkwardly tight. This situation is unexpected and only adds to the anxiety-driven stomach ache produced by my insurance company post-crash. what a bummer. I am tired. I think i'll go to bed. things will settle out soon in both accounts because God Loves Me. actually he loves me even if it doesnt work out.

yuck.

2008-06-16T20:34:00.002-04:00

WARNING: weak constitutioned people should not read further, as post contains graphic details regarding sickness.

i've been throwing up for nearly 24 hours. it seems to have subsided...the last time i threw up was four hours ago. i have no clue why i got sick. perhaps food poisoning? except no one else got sick. either way, i've felt super nasty all day long. since all of the actual food has been gone from my system since last night, the only thing left to "throw up" has been green bile. yuckity yuck yuck yuck. for most of the day i have not been able to hold down water. since four o'clock i have eaten six mini pretzels and about 12 oz of ginger ale. so far so good, although i still feel nauseated. chad is currently on route to my apartment with my car. it's been sitting in ipswich since saturday. chad just got it back from the shop and is delivering it here. what an excellent man. i love him. anyway, i am so glad that i didnt have to deal with car issues while vomiting. cars give me plenty of anxiety even when i am NOT as sick as can be.

i still feel disgusting. if you are inclined to pray, please pray that i feel well by the morning. i really can't afford more time off from work. thanks!

some things are better left alone...

2008-06-14T08:05:00.004-04:00

...like the indiana jones franchise.

i mean, seriously. I just went to see it last night with chad and his roommate (40 yr old man with downs syndrome).

the evening was going famously well until the movie actually began. i kept thinking, "surely this script can't get any worse."

i was woefully mistaken. the film was of the "indy meets george of the jungle meets stargate meets scooby doo" variety.

just aweful.

awe.
ful.

the dialog made me groan out loud about fifteen times.

george lucas must have written it. it was that bad.

we asked doug (chad's roommate) if he liked it. He said "ooooh yeah."

chad told him he must have been the target audience.

then we all went home. ah well. we should have known better. look what happened to the Godfather movies when they tried to make a third.

long time.

2008-06-12T06:17:00.001-04:00

there are probably a million and a half things to report. sadly, i don't have time to do that right now.

where has the time gone?

2008-05-14T16:12:00.003-04:00

in about two hours i will leave my home and head for logan airport. I am making my first trip back to pittsburgh since july of 2007.

parts of this year have been difficult for me...i often considered moving back to pittsburgh--the home of the community that nursed me through some serious heartache. My heart hurt after i moved away, and all i really wanted was to crawl back under the covers with my former loves. namely, illias the dog. and sometimes gus, the other dog.

well, tonight's the night. Illias and i shall snuggle the night away. I'm roughly ten times his size, but he has enough personality for the both of us.

in all seriousness, though, i am pretty freaking excited. I became myself in pittsburgh.

there were times over the past year when i didn't think i would ever really settle in to boston. But god is good. He's remarkably better than i expect, actually. i could not be happier with the relationships in my life right now.

all the same, nothing will ever quite replace the years in pittsburgh. they were incredibly formative.

also. I get to hang out with my former client on friday. Awesome. He's totally my favorite. the problem is that he is stubbornly growing up without me. i'm frankly a bit afraid to see him. he's gonna be taller than me most likely. he's starting 6th grade in the fall....when i met him he was only seven.

my biggest fear about the weekend is that perhaps he won't wanna chill like we used to. he's probably too cool for all of that now...

but i love him.

i also feel very loved these days. it's pretty exciting. ain't nothin like being loved.

i'm headed to pittsburgh to get some good lovin. then i'll head back to boston and get some more. life is good.

My God is So Big.

2008-04-29T05:47:00.001-04:00

I've been pretty weepy recently. God is softening my heart. He's chasing me down. He's giving me big jobs. I feel very small.

juno what?

2008-04-02T21:34:00.000-04:00

just saw juno with a friend. awesome.

back in action

2008-03-31T16:58:00.002-04:00

here's my schedule for the evening:

1. practice accordion. possibly write song.
2. eat.
3. go to community group.
4. finish my taxes.

watch out, world.

the last day of march

2008-03-31T06:09:00.002-04:00

this week we are still working on the letter M. Since it's a rainy day, we'll probably play musical chairs. I desperately hope that Big Joe the Story Teller will come this morning...i didn't come up with exciting lesson plans for the week. time somehow escaped me. no matter.

well, i'm off.

the evening update

2008-03-30T20:38:00.002-04:00

so. i did not fully master the accordion...but i am starting to get the hang of it.

actually, i ended up going grocery shopping with my roommate. then i made dinner. then i read a book. i'd say the night was a success.

i'll be turning in early. i plain wore myself out these past few days!

("accordion conquering" round two begins on the morrow.)

I've got so much to do.

2008-03-30T15:26:00.001-04:00

Today I shall learn to play the accordion. I have one, you know. A little man in Japan gave one to me a few years back. My plan is to master it by the end of the day.

decompression time.

2008-03-29T13:27:00.002-04:00

My body is tired. I have a long way to go toward building callouses on my hands...but climbing was great. Usually when I get worn out, it's because i've had a mentally exhausting day at work. In The Case Of Today, though, it's a Good Exhaustion. I'll probably crash early this evening. lots to do this weekend. i may swing by the beach with some friends tomorrow afternoon.

going up?

2008-03-29T07:40:00.003-04:00

I'm off to climb again!

unfortunately, I haven't the foggiest idea where my rock shoes are. I'm borrowing my sister's shoes even though they are slightly too big. all I can say is that at least they're not too small. Climbing shoes are tiny enough on their own. last week I borrowed slightly-too-small-shoes from a friend and my poor toes had trouble recovering.

By the way, if any of you are in the boston area and enjoy climbing, let me know. We plan to go at least once a week. You can expect a fair bit of outdoor climbing as the temperatures continue to rise.

please! enjoy the weekend!

one more thing.

2008-03-28T06:10:00.003-04:00

At the advent of spring each year I manage to re-read my entire blog. it's an interesting exercise in self-reflection. I am astonished again and again by the circumstances and people that god (in his great wisdom and sovereignty) sets before me. It's like a grand feast; some parts are bitter, others sweet. The bitterness is always tempered by his goodness and mercy.

I enjoy expensive food. It can be rich and exquisite...but like fine wine, there are things that require an acquisition of taste for such things. I suppose what I mean to say is that I am developing my taste for the things of God. They are far richer than what I can fathom. so much so, in fact, that I border on dislike.

I do believe, however, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. In this, the season of the Resurrection(!), I will seek the face of the Risen Lord. I seek him only because He seeks me...to paraphrase the psalms, my prayer for this season is that I may taste and see that the Lord is good. Lord, be my strength and my refuge!

are you really posting before 6 am?

2008-03-28T05:52:00.002-04:00

yes.

yes I am.

i accidentally fell asleep at 8:45pm last night. needless to say, i've now been up since 4:30.

an old friend is coming into town this evening! The last time we saw each other was August. I'm pretty excited...too bad it's a rainy day.

have a lovely friday!

Jesus Lives

2008-03-23T13:04:00.004-04:00

Jesus lives! Jesus lives!
the power of death is shattered
the night is done
the light is come in the morning

Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!
Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!

Jesus lives! Jesus lives!
no more can sin o'er take us
the bound set free
the blind now see in the morning

Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!
Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!

Jesus lives! Jesus lives!
and He has claimed the vict'ry
hosanna sing
to the risen king in the morning

Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!
Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!

Jesus lives! Jesus lives!
Alpha and Omega
He lives and reigns
as God who saves in the morning

Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!
Alle, Alleluia!
Alleluia!

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T04:51:00.001-04:00

enjoy this day.

Climb Away.

2008-03-22T22:17:00.002-04:00

Climbing is so liberating! I spent the majority of my afternoon/early evening at a rock gym with a friend. I almost forgot how much I love to climb. I was pretty rusty, but by the end I had figured out one of the tricky moves on a 5.9. I plan to conquer this route in the near future.

I've been into yoga the last few years (it's a very valuable practice), but nothing beats the sense of accomplishment after a good climb. I think I sometimes grow weary of yoga because it can be too individualistic. Climbing, on the other hand, requires you to be dependent on another person.

here's my great news for the day: I found a climbing buddy. We plan to go out at least once a week.

I'm pretty tired, but it's a good tired. Tomorrow is Easter, a Most Joyous Day. I'm off to bed. I want to be ready to celebrate the resurrection!

Beautiful Girl.

2008-03-22T08:18:00.002-04:00

This is my beautiful niece who lives in Mwanza, Tanzania. I miss her and love her. The first thing I did this morning was talk to her on Skype. It's going to be a good day.

jesus!

2008-03-14T05:52:00.000-04:00

oh! how we need you.

Lately

2008-03-12T06:19:00.001-04:00

*NEW SONG*

lately i've been thinkin bout you
and how its been so
long since i loved any but you
and now that you've been gone
so help me get over
you

i'll get over you
if you get over me

lately, he's been thinkin bout me
i could have read things
wrong but he's been lovin on me
and now he's come along
it might help you get over
me

you'll get over me
cause i got over you

Good-night, sweet prince

2008-03-03T22:28:00.002-05:00

and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

(some days, i like to post a lot.)

hallelujah.

2008-03-03T16:58:00.003-05:00

my church is wonderful. i called the office today to see if anyone was free tomorrow afternoon to drive me five minutes to pick up my car so that i don't have to walk for twenty minutes in the pouring rain. someone offered to assist me. now my day is somewhat sunnier...although the financial blow from the car repairs is hitting me quite hard.

i have the money. i just don't have much more. it's discouraging to dump my savings into a vehicle i most likely won't have in another year. my options are limited.

wanna know my dream list?

1) win a million dollars. just kidding.
2) have someone give me a new car.
3) win a million dollars TAX FREE.
4) be paid to write choral music and have that money be enough to sustain a reasonable existence.

yeah.

Q: what's moving? what's shaking? what's breaking?

2008-03-03T16:11:00.002-05:00

A: my car.

to all of the above. sometimes i do this thing where i try to estimate how much car repairs will cost. i guess high so that i will be less disappointed when i hear how much it is. well, i guessed high. i also guessed wrong. the actual cost is higher than even i anticipated.

in times like these, i wish i had a huge family that all lived together and could shuffle things like vehicles. then again, wish i didn't have a car at all. it causes too much pain and anguish.

Simple Gifts

2008-03-03T05:52:00.003-05:00

good morning, all. yesterday julie asked me if anything particular was happening in my life. the reason she asked this is due to the fact that, historically speaking, my tendency is to lavishly spend money during major life transitions. i also do things like "cut my hair" (before the dreads), or "buy a computer", or "pierce my nose".

my only response to her was that i supposed things were moving and shaking. any new major changes? i guess not particularly. but perhaps my actions have become somewhat like my music--a bit self-prophetic, hmm? i am eager to see what new and unexpected turn my life decides to take in the next week or two.

to turn, turn will be our delight
and by turning, turning, we'll come 'round right

also, my arm still hurts. i think it was beginning to hurt less, but i'm not positive about that. I'm back to thinking it is tendonitis because i tried to play the guitar a little last night (stupid i know) and now it hurts again. so there's that.

Nostril.

2008-03-02T19:23:00.003-05:00

I got my nose pierced this evening. i love it. this is something i have been kicking around in my head for almost ten years now. we were not allowed to have nose piercings at my little private high school, so i figured i would wait until college. then i never got around to it. after that, i worked in a job where it was questionable as to how it would be received. so i never did it then either. now, i find myself in an environment where i dress more professionally than my coworkers. plus, my boss is from India. i figured that a nose ring would be the thing least likely make a negative impression with her (after all, my dreadlocks were more concerning to me during the interview process. she never said a word about them and i was practically hired on the spot...!)

so there you have it. i feel completed. i feel exactly like myself. dreads and a nose ring. it's really how i've always seen myself. ta ta!

NEW SONG and tendonitis. or bacterial infection. also, food. drink.

2008-03-01T20:00:00.003-05:00

1) I have a new song called Calamity Jane.

here are the lyrics:

(Calamity Jane)

lu li lu le
oh, calamity jane
lu li lu le

pin up your hair
paint your lips
for this, your moment,
your season debut
you could play it anyway you choose

lu li lu le
oh, calamity jane
lu li lu le

you caught my eye
through the glass
a kiss for jesus
he's painted his too
just a blank frame to see you through

hold one finger to your lips
silent waiting
hold your body less rigid
in this, your moment
be not afraid my love
la la la la la la la
sing for him
la la la la la la la
sing it loud
la la la la la la la
sing it true
sing for him

2) i think i have tendonitis. this is day four of strange arm pain. it's basically like an icecream-headache, but all the time and in my arm. either that, or i have a bacterial infection that is causing the tendons in my left arm to swell.

3) i went grocery shopping this evening. it was imperative.

4) I am headed to a party two blocks away. i like drinks that i don't have to pay for.

You Are Getting Sleeeeeeeeepy

2008-02-11T06:19:00.000-05:00

I love my new roommate so much. We had a lovely chat last evening. I stayed up way too late, however, and i did not plan anything for school today. we are beginning the letter Jj this morning. I suppose i will just get some playdough and read "the house that jack built". We can also jump. we can talk about jungles. lots of ideas...but my mind is foggy and my body is slow. I am supposed to have a staff meeting for work this evening but i think i will skip it. (i haven't missed one yet...)

I'm Having A Crisis.

2008-02-10T18:49:00.000-05:00

I've come to the surprising (at least for me) conclusion that I do not actually wish to continue working with children long-term. I love them. They are creative. They are wonderful. They wipe boogers on you. They are easily bribed and pacified with little smiley-face stickers. They tattle on each other. They love to paint their bodies and hair. They will be fine with out me. I will not be fine without music.

what to do, what to do.

lent, children, parties and other fancy things

2008-02-10T06:23:00.000-05:00

lent is fancy. i've grown to value this time in the church year tremendously. one of the greatest seasons of my life was Lent 2006. It was a time of incredible creativity and growth. i became very interested in liturgical worship and this year has been a close second so far...i did a lot of writing about two weeks ago and am excited to see what happens in the next six weeks. i also love this season because it connects my spirit to the life-blood of the church. it's precious to me because it allows me to engage the full spectrum of human spirituality.

*****

last week i got angry at a child. i temporarily lost perspective--this little person has yet to turn 4. i surprised myself with how evil i am capable of being. the little episode ended with me informing this child that i didn't want to hear him talk again and that i would not listen to what he had to say. (this is exactly the opposite of what i believe in.) the exchange that snapped me back to reality was where this little boy said "kathryn, i'm really sorry. i'm really sorry i made a bad decision. i'm really sorry. i forgive you, kathryn. i really forgive you."

i hugged his little body close to mine and fought the urge to cry.

i felt forgiven by jesus. Out of the mouths of babes.

********

last night i went to a great party. GREAT. PARTY. seriously. i had a wonderful time. i feel sort of gross this morning bc it was such a late night and i have trouble sleeping past 6:00am. ah well. it happens.

********

i am cooking breakfast with a friend right now. actually, she is cooking. i am sitting and writing this blog entry.

***

i also have to warm up my voice...we're singing in church today...

enjoy your day.

step one.

2008-01-23T20:09:00.000-05:00

i have decided to update this blog. there is not much to be said on recent events...but i AM moving this week. i am moving in with a delightful and beautiful new roommate. we get along famously. I am pretty excited.

in some ways i still feel like the new kid on the block. i am only just now beginning to make friends with people in the city and develop relationships.

the apartment i am moving in to is close to my church and community, so that's nice.

also, i've been working on a ton of music this week. music is somewhat elusive to me. it's hard to say what drives my creativity...but i've had an unusually productive week so far. let's see what tomorrow brings, shall we?

yes.

i wrote a new tune in six minutes. I am not exaggerating or stretching the truth. i literally wrote a strong melody line within minutes of linda's return from work. I get really giddy when this type of "muse" sets in. I feel restless and excited. it gives me a sense of purpose.

i think i shall end this day with a good novel. i may start to read through the lord of the rings sequence tonight. Thank goodness i read quickly.

it is the new year.

2008-01-08T06:32:00.000-05:00

i am finally settling in to boston.

but other things are on the brink, so to speak. I am moving into a new apartment on feb 1st. I must admit that i am growing a bit weary of moving.

there's no place like home...there's no place like home...

2007-12-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

except for kansas. and that is where i am going in the morning. i will return new year's day. CAN'T WAIT!

oh, and there's still no place like home. i like my city a whole whole lot. there are lots of places i love, (pittsburgh being at the top) but i feel like i want to really BE here.

happy new year, everyone!

Merry Christmas.

2007-12-24T11:16:00.000-05:00

merry christmas, all. I've been quite busy and such. currently i am sitting on my bed with a cuddly cat named cooper. but he isn't quite the same as my old side kick Illias-The-Dog, and i've found myself missing that little red bundle of fun during the holiday season. work has been fine and uneventful, hence the lack of blogging. I joined a church, though, and that was nice. also, I am slowly but surely making friends. slowly. very slowly. and speaking of friends, i am heading to Kansas City for New Years! It was a moderately spontaneous decision. Julie is coming with me. We shall have a wonderful time.

my brother is flying in today and i get to pick him up at the airport. Christmas Eve is probably my favorite night of the year. We read A Christmas Carol out loud. I love it.

the only sad thing is that the babies will be staying in Africa until August. we miss them a lot. to compensate, i obsessively look at pictures of them and check their blog.

i love you all. be safe and happy.

hear ye, hear ye

2007-11-17T10:21:00.000-05:00

let it be known that in less than two months' time i managed to move from "newest of three preschool teachers" status to "most senior veteran preschool teacher with longest time of employment at school" status.

crazy.

swoon

2007-11-15T22:35:00.000-05:00

my job is a soap opera.

tomorrow is...

2007-11-07T23:03:00.000-05:00

my birthday. i shall be 26.

arise in jubilant song.

2007-10-30T20:10:00.000-04:00

the truth shall set you free.

i sang joyfully all afternoon long. you see, my giant, life-sucking problem was removed once and for all at precisely 3:47pm Eastern Standard Time.

i'm still reeling from the tidal wave of juvenile drama that swept through the building these last few days. but no more. tomorrow is a new day.

insanity manifested.

2007-10-29T14:35:00.000-04:00

things are out of control in my place of work. i cannot share details.

know this: liars will always be found out. the truth will collapse upon them. as long as i hold fast to the truth (the actual reality), i alone shall remain standing in the heap of rubble.

...it DOES make me nervous, however, to know that people are spreading falsehoods amongst coworkers.

it's also hard to fit in at work when everyone wants to talk about everyone else. i look like an oddball and feel a tad alienated from the "in" crowd.

wasn't this sort of thing supposed to disintegrate after junior high school?

the simple life.

2007-10-25T20:57:00.000-04:00

i live much like laura ingles wilder. a few differences: instead of a fiddle, i have a laptop. (i am very dexterous.) instead of sitting in a room with a warm fire, i am sitting in a room with two televisions, two laptops, two cell phones and two types of chocolate.

let me explain. Linda (housemate) wanted to watch the game. I wanted to watch the office. we both sort of wanted to watch what the other person was watching. Linda decided to move the TV from her room into the living room so we could do both. we are both doing work on our computers. we mute the little tv during commercials.

ps i'm not sure Laura Ingles Wilder had a fiddle.

happy days

2007-10-23T08:19:00.000-04:00

i can't believe it's been almost an entire month since my last post--much has happened. i'm headed off to work in just a few moments, so here's a story for the road.

as many of you know, i do not like to shop very often. last night, though, i stepped inside a department store while i waited for a friend to meet me for dinner. i felt totally out of place. Actually, i couldn't remember the last time i was in a department store. see, whenever i feel the urge to purchase new clothing articles, i generally wander into a consignment shop.

so there i was, aimlessly and awkwardly meandering through designer labels when i spotted a shirt that marginally appealed to me. $70. what the...?

you've got to be kidding.

anyway i looked through the rack because i had time to kill. i noticed that one of these $70 shirts actually had a tag that said $34. i decided to try it on.

i liked it. i figured i'd treat myself.

the woman at the register proved to be totally incompetent/new. this worked in my favor. the shirt rang up at $17. still pricey for me...but when you think about it, i basically got a non-sale item for 75% off. not too shabby...

high ho, high ho. off to work.

barf and bloody noses.

2007-09-25T07:00:00.000-04:00

i've worked in a preschool now for 6 full days. during the last three days i have rushed three children with emergency potty needs to the restroom with just seconds to spare. i have cleaned up a bloody lip after a small accident on the playground. i have sterilized the bathroom floor after a poop episode. i hurried a little boy to the bathroom--he threw up three times along the way. i have taken care of a terrified little girl with a bloody nose. i have cleaned the carpet after a failed potty-training experiment.

who says preschool is easy?

week two.

2007-09-24T07:07:00.000-04:00

ready for week two? perhaps. this past weekend was spent at the beach with my niece and nephew. little bridget is so beautiful. i had a wonderful time with her. she is talking a lot more these days and it is an absolute delight. baby jack is a little monkey. he is so dear when he clings to you or flails his limbs about with excitement.

it makes me sad that i have to go to work. it means that i am missing out on time with them.

of kitchen blinds

2007-09-21T21:27:00.000-04:00

in boston grand
two women stand
inside a kitchen yellow
with aims to pass
such daunting tasks
as claim e'en many a fellow

the night drew nigh
and with a sigh
miss linda spied the table
"oh kathryn dear
these curtains here
we'll hang if we are able!"

determinedly
they set to see
if either one could manage
to set the drill
and try to fill
the holes with screws they'd cram-age

a valiant fight!
turn left! turn right!
now straight! the screws did scamper!
across the room
and pretty soon
the cheerful mood did damper

As oft will be
the girls did see
no chance to mend the ruffage
when said Ms J.
that they should stay
a glance at other stuff-age.

in name, the box!
"let's place our stocks
upon the detailed pictures
contained within
the pages thin
to help us place the fixtures"

then by great chance
K's eye did glance
upon a piece to fasten
unclasp the hinge--
no need to twinge
or force the shade to crash-in

Hey hey! Ho ho!
the shades just so
are permanently fix-ed
atop the pane
of glass they frame--
let's have a drink well mix-ed

some nuts and grapes
to celebrate
an ev'ning well triumphant!
with time to spare
and wine to share
they bask on porch-chair-summit!

first week.

2007-09-21T07:56:00.000-04:00

so this is the last day of my first week of my new job. monday and thursday were great. tuesday and wednesday were less great. in fact, they were aweful. BUT. i have high hopes for today.

"Your Hair Looks Like Little Worms!"

2007-09-17T21:16:00.000-04:00

Today at work, this little boy was wiggling his fingers. i asked him if he liked to wiggle his fingers and he said yes. he said he liked to wiggle them like jelly. I said "or like little worms".

his eyes widened with delight.

"Your HAIR looks like little worms!" he exclaimed.

...best part of my day.

Apple Green, Apple Red

2007-09-16T10:40:00.000-04:00

Apple Hit Me On The Head.

I am a preschool teacher. That's right. I said it. Tomorrow I will start a unit on Apples. Apples are so handy. You can use them for so many things. They are great teaching tools. Apples have seeds. We can count the seeds. Apples come in different colors and shapes too. We can sing apple songs. We can talk about Johnny Appleseed. We can eat apples. We can cut an apple in half and use the halves as stamps for apple prints. Then we can talk about fractions. We can read books about apple picking. We can talk about taste and texture. We can compare and observe. We can put apples in a basket and we can take the apples out of the basket. Apple start with the letter "A". Little "a" looks like an apple. We can watch an Apple dry out and turn brown. We can put lemon juice on another apple to see what happens overnight. The possibilities are endless.

By the End Of The Week, I will most likely have Had My Fill Of Apples.

child

2007-09-12T14:34:00.000-04:00

so pretty. she lives in africa.

Madeleine L'Engle.

2007-09-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

Madeleine L'Engle's death last week marked the first time i shed tears for someone i had never met. In a way, it's as though she raised me. I feel a deep sense of loss.

She died the same day Pavarotti died. I love music; I love Opera. I even have my BA in that field. But never have i felt such a soul-connection with those things as the connection i felt with Madeleine. I absolutely devour her writings. The mild panic and dismay in my heart was great when i realized that the voice who (for all intents and purposes) had given me so much of my self had been silenced.

but i have not ceased to learn from her. I haven't fully digested everything yet, and i salved my wound by making my way through Two-Part Invention; The Story of a Marriage. I suppose a voice that great cannot easily be stilled.

I am just sad never to have met her, talked with her, asked questions of her.

It is rather peculiar. Peculiar to grieve the loss of someone who never even knew my name. Naming plays an important part in her writing. It is likely that even had we met she would not have been able to recall my name for ever, but the important thing is that she gave me one. Her writing has named me, marked me. It is with deepest gratitude to God that I acknowledge her life, her work and her spirit. May God grant me equal grace on my journey, and may He continue to do with me that which is pleasing to Himself alone.

blog blog blog

2007-09-10T11:42:00.000-04:00

blog blog blog blog blog. i have so much to say, but no time to speak of. i am moving to the city. i start a job tomorrow. it freaks me out a little. i went to a wedding this weekend. ash went home yesterday. julie had to teach today. i am working on music for the north shore men's choir. i am finishing some laundry. i am meeting my mother for lunch. i will probably cry from exhaustion at some point this day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BLOG

2007-09-05T15:32:00.000-04:00

two years, folks. two years. thanks for the memories.

city for you, city for me

2007-09-05T15:31:00.000-04:00

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe i have a job. i have to get back to them ASAP. several things have to happen but it could be a good thing for me. bye.

each night before you go to sleep, my baby...

2007-09-04T08:14:00.000-04:00

...take a sleeping pill.

at least that's what i had to do. my body was so wired from the fire on Sunday night that i couldn't even take a nap yesterday. good thing is that last night i, at least, did not dream about roaring flames. no. my dreams were about preschools and interviews. (i have an interview tomorrow morning. i hope it goes well.)

either way, ash and i are headed to the city this evening. we'll crash at a friend's place tonight, i'll go to my interview in the morning, and then we'll spend the rest of wednesday courting boston.

we're almost sticking the original sans-fire-plan for the week. not too bad.

weeeeeeeeeeeeird

2007-09-03T18:11:00.000-04:00

i think, secretly, deep down, i believe that blogging about last night's trauma will purge my mind of its effects. so far, it isn't working.

kathryn sprat could eat no fat and ash could eat no lean

2007-09-03T17:59:00.000-04:00

and so, between the two of them they licked the platter clean.

what i mean to say is that under anxiety's strong influence, i tend to forget about food and ash can think of nothing else. together, we make the world go 'round.

this has been an anxiety driven day. i feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and i can't breathe. i just want to be able to sleep tonight, to be honest.

....and to think! ash chose to stay here this week so that his life would be easier! fate has a cruel sense of irony.

"not so fast," she thought to herself...

2007-09-03T07:47:00.000-04:00

after a solid night's sleep of less than three hours, i have decided to NOT try to clean anything because it needs to be done professionally. my family is glad that we acted so quickly and that everyone is fine.

it's funny---in my family, we get worried about small, insignificant things. we stay calm during big things. in fact, i was the only one of the five of us last night who thought to call 911 right away.

later, one of my friends told me they would never have thought to call 911. i said, "what else would you do?"

they said they didn't know.

the cleaning could be expensive. thankfully the comparative damage isn't too bad. like everyone keeps saying, it could've been much, much worse. ok. that's all for now.

just for kicks.

2007-09-03T00:35:00.000-04:00

let me just note that i have kept this blog for two years come wednesday. too much has occurred. this fire business is freaking me out.

"Pardon me for mentioning it ladies, but the house is on fire."

2007-09-03T00:27:00.000-04:00

--courtesy of P.G Wodehouse.

in all seriousness, though, my house caught on fire tonight. police, fire dept, whole shabang. scary. cooking accident, don't you know. five people. all adults. all familiar with cooking AND wise enough to call 911 when faced with flames. tomorrow brings with it the joyous prospect of cleaning. like maniacs.

thankfully, there is no structural damage to the house. we may need to paint, and we lost a cabinet, but it could have been much worse. like, we could have lost the house.

...and did i mention that my parents went away for the weekend to relax? they have no cell phone reception and, as of now, are unaware of the events of the evening.

my writing is disjointed. probably i am in a form of shock. i'm sure i will write more at a later date.

i like to move it move it

2007-08-28T11:09:00.000-04:00

move it to boston, that is. i applied for some jobs in the city. hopefully i'll hear back soon...that way things can get rolling and i'll be *this* *much* closer to getting the whole grad school/life plan thing started.

damn ye, o icy grip of anxiety! get thee hence from within mine spirit!

my life be like mmmmmmmm

2007-08-28T11:06:00.000-04:00

mmmmmmmmmm good. thank heaven for twizlers, dark chocolate and peanuts. they have sustained me these past two days.

also, feta cheese. can't go wrong with feta.

"it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...

2007-08-27T18:09:00.000-04:00

...i'm not one of those who can easily hide."

(ah, moulin rouge. i have such a love/hate relationship with you. You sneak up on me when i least expect it and creep in at the most unwelcome of times.)

i read about myself the other day. well, actually, it was someone else's interpretation of particular events of my life recorded in their blog. what an odd experience...still not sure how to process it.

my face got hot and prickly when i read it. it recounted bits of my most painful and personal experiences...and then drew life lessons from it; namely, lessons on the ramifications of making a decision without considering who your choices will affect. Some heavy assumptions were made: It was suggested that 1. i ended a relationship because i wished to rekindle an old flame. 2. that i impulsively did this to satisfy my own desires, and that 3. this was a big mistake and hurt people because i didn't stop to consider the impact of my choices.

granted, this friend of mine who wrote about my life had the best of intentions and i am certain that he meant no harm...he was just "thinking out loud" in a manner of speaking. nevertheless, i just felt bad. interestingly enough, he must have simply drawn his own conclusions from scraps of incomplete facts. it contained partial truth: i did end a relationship just shy of two years ago--but for some pretty serious reasons. I was later in another relationship which ended for tragic reasons which could not have been foreseen. either way--this friend of mine never asked me about it. i haven't even heard from him in quite a while. a lot has changed over the past year...he must have found out a few bare-bones details. unfortunately, it was second-hand, second-rate information. and it was so unexpected, so...surprising.

I think my feelings got hurt.

I mean, should i take the time to explain the hospital trips, frightening phone conversations and incredible emotional isolation of last summer? I am desperately grateful for the friendships i have and for the people who supported me and affirmed things about my character throughout the whole ordeal. It took me a while to spiritually and emotionally recover. anyway--it's been exactly one year this week. it was quite some time before i was over my paranoia that people thought terrible and untrue things about my life.

It probably shouldn't bother me so much. i know that the people who really know me, really know the situation. but it's pretty uncomfortable and exhausting to feel like you can never get away from certain past experiences and to know that portions of your personal life are floating about in cyberspace. i guess i hoped it was old news. well. it sucks to be misrepresented...especially in matters of the heart.

and it got me thinking about how i misrepresent god. i wonder what impressions i give. and i wonder if jesus thinks, um. that's not how it was; that's not who i am...

i suppose second-hand information about god gets tricky if you don't verify it. there's too much margin of error--gotta go back to the source. How can i know what is true? who do i seek for answers? who do i call upon for help? who is my shield and defender?

and how can i know him more?

so about this funny feeling inside...the feeling of helplessness, of old wounds revisited...

Let me hide myself in the shadow of Your wings.

O Lord, my rock.

"I see now that what begins as a dream can end in a nightmare"

2007-08-24T08:38:00.000-04:00

Oi! so much for communication. my friend just told me via comment on my last post that he is teaching composition. i was confused for a moment...then i realized he was talking about REAL composition. I, however, was referring to my desire to get a master's degree in MUSICal composition. which is equally real. the fault of this grave misunderstanding lies entirely with me. i spent most of the post talking about how i like to invent my own words--of course it would seem like i wanted to study the composition of the written word. alas, it is not so.

all i can say is that i hope people like my music.

ps the title of this post is a direct quote from the early '80's movie version of the scarlet pimpernel starring jane seymour. yes. the jane from dr. quin medicine woman, that historically accurate and uncannily honest TV mini-series representation of the Western Frontier: the place where clothing was surprisingly clean, women were treated as equal, and people of all nationalities were welcomed with open arms, tolerance, and understanding. we all know that's how it really was in the old west.

I have a plan.

2007-08-24T00:41:00.000-04:00

tentatively, that is. bear in mind that I'm marginally depressed and in the midst of life-plan-formage.

here's the scoop: I want to go to grad school for composition. you may be asking yourself why it has taken me several years to "come up with" this *bright idea*. Fear of the unknown, folks...fear of the unknown. A masters in special ed just sounds so...so practical. i say, "fie on practicality! bring on the overwhelm-th!"

I notice that I've felt rather pluggy lately. pluggy and blorpish. traditional vocabulary is not striking a chord in me today, so please pardon this shameless splidmackering of the English language. A friend of mine (namely J. Zook) recently coined the word obstretched to describe being spread thin like too little jam on the bread of life. "bread" as in bread is to life as jam is to julie.

anyway, i thought the word was great. As you most likely know, shakespeare got away with inventing words all the time. it's quite liberating in a way...

i am exhausted. goodnight.

Congratulations, Ms. Jackson! (I am for real...)

2007-08-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

My sister Bridget and Nate got engaged last week...

btw, Nate's last name is Jackson. just as a clarification for those of you confused by this blog title.

EEEeew

2007-08-20T20:08:00.000-04:00

...been a rough day. my eyes hurt. but my belly is now full of fried clams and trader joe's chocolate. delicious. delicious, yes, but also strange. i suppose it might be a "rough night" (if you catch my meaning...) wink wink.

new artist

2007-08-07T10:11:00.000-04:00

i just discovered a musician i like, no, love.

Elijah Wyman. check him out.

well, i'm off

2007-07-31T09:16:00.001-04:00

i am going camping in 15 minutes. i have not gone camping for a loooooooooong time. my only major concern? mosquitoes.

i'd send you a letter, but i just don't have the time.

2007-07-30T23:30:00.000-04:00

this post will be very short...

things are busy. it seems like forever ago that the kids left but it is still hard. also, i'll be gone again for a few days starting tomorrow morning. this has certainly been the summer of travel.

on an unrelated note, a most infernally damned cricket is happily chirping away...in my bedroom. somewhere. bah. it's a little like torture, really. he's outsmarted me for the last hour. i keep looking for him, but he manages to stay silent just when you are about to identify the location of the chirpity-chirp. wish me luck.

...luck in capturing our fine little "friend" and luck on my continued traveling adventures. now, if only i could get that darn cricket to travel away from my sleeping area in search of strange and distant new lands....

sigh.

HP7

2007-07-22T22:48:00.000-04:00

just finished harry potter and the deathly hallows. fyi.

very satisfying. i do, however, feel a sense of loss...the series has ended, you know. Harry Potter has been around for 40% of my life. that's an enormous amount of time.

she's back.

2007-06-22T08:55:00.000-04:00

yesterday morning i received the greatest phone message in the history of phone messages. it was a message from my fabulous friend, diana, telling me she was back in the states after spending one million years in italy as an opera singer. actually, all she said was, "IIIII"m baaaaaaaaaaaaack!" and she was merely gone for a month or so...it only felt like one million years.

i returned her call immediately and was surprised to discover a giant wave of emotion flooding over me. i had no idea that her absense had affected me that profoundly. i wanted to shout "don't ever leave me again" but (thankfully) realized that this was completely unreasonable and ridiculous seeing as we live in different states and see each other no more than twice a year. if we're lucky.

but we chat on a nearly daily basis. even though i was not entirely conscious of it at the time, it nearly killed me to not be able to talk to her whenever anything happened in my life. it's good to have her back. now i can call her seventeen times a day and demand that my calls be prioritized over everything else. just like the good ol' days.

jackarooney

2007-06-18T10:40:00.000-04:00

jack loves his uncle david.

he also loves me.

little girl

2007-06-18T10:14:00.000-04:00

little bridget is no longer baby bridget. she is a real live little girl. i love to be around her. she likes to look for ant hills and she shrieks with delight whenever she spots an ant or two. she yells "ants! ants! ants!" she likes to play the piano and try on shoes.

she also really likes jewelry. the other day she was running around only a diaper and a necklace. i snapped a quick shot with a camera.

we found a turtle in the yard a few days ago. the turtle was trying to get away as fast as possible...but, being a turtle, moved at a pace that allowed bridget to stoop down and talk to it. she used her super-high baby voice and said "hi! hi! tur! hullo!" the she squealed and clapped her hands.

there is never a dull moment.

well, what do you know.

2007-06-15T11:35:00.000-04:00

ok. so my last post was about bad cover art. andie's comment indicated that she looked for a madeleine l'engle book but was too turned off by the covers to choose any.

ironically, the book i loaned to my friend a while back was a madeleine l'engle book.

truth be told, the only books i was really thinking about while writing the previous post were books by l'engle. i kid you not. the covers on most-if-not-all of her books are painfully and horrifically bad. just bad. "bad" as in "cheesy teenage angst story with characters who wear unflattering clothing and live in the unrealistic world of trashy romance novel drama".

and don't try to read the back of her books either. it's too misleading. the plots in her novels are usually secondary to character development. problem is, if you just read the back, you only get a poorly written summary of a plot that isn't the main point anyway.

here's my advice: read books by madeleine l'engle, but try your hardest to know as little as possible about them ahead of time. don't look at the cover, don't look at the back, don't read the title. in fact, do yourself a favor: take a box of l'engle books, put on a blindfold and make a random selection. then tear off the front and back covers. then remove the blindfold.

you might find yourself to be deliciously surprised. she's one of my favorite authors. seriously, folks. i've had to grit my teeth and force myself to look beyond the cover art. for whatever reason, l'engle book covers are particularly heinous. it's as though the publishers went out of their way to choose the absolute worst illustrators of all time.

sigh.

it's tragic, really. many people miss out because her books look too stupid.

but how else can we choose except to look at the picture and read the back cover? i honestly don't know. i suppose we could just trust a recommendation...

and that's too risky. books can be so...so personal. if YOU pick out a book and it proves to be sub-par, then you have wasted your own time. if someone ELSE picks it out, you run the risk of having your time wasted for you.

with that being said, if you are interested in reading works by madeleine l'engle, try reading more than one. if you end up feeling like it was a big fat drag, then the only thing really lost is my recommending reputation. and your time.

either way, enjoy your summer and read! i'm off to draw up a list...but i promise i won't draw cover art.

judging books by their covers...

2007-06-14T09:06:00.000-04:00

there are loads of books with terrible cover art. my fourth grade reading teacher actually removed the front cover from every paperback in the classroom to encourage us to use our imaginations.

what a fantastic idea.

several months ago i loaned a book to a friend. i asked him please, for the love of all that is good, kindly disregard the shoddy cover image passing itself off as "art".

apparently, this was asking the impossible. he never read the book.

it just goes to show how impressionable we all are. sigh. the book was a good one, too.

the storm is passing over, hallelujah.

2007-06-11T09:13:00.000-04:00

let me tell you about the plague. a week ago, my niece began to get sick. On wednesday i started to feel a little strange. by the time thursday night came around i had a full blown fever that lasted through most of friday. my little nephew had the fever on saturday. everyone in my house has a stuffy nose. we empty the trash on a daily basis due to the overflow of used tissues.

in other news, i think i hit a milestone yesterday. it began with some small conversations about music blah blah blah and moved into some real brainstorming. it was nice to feel alive. i've felt a slight discomfort over the past several weeks while trying to determine what-precisely-i-should-be-doing in MA. the thing is, i left a great city and a great community where i was really happy and moved to a small (albeit beautiful) new england town where everything appears to shut down around 9:00pm (even some gas stations) and where my best friend is a book. i was worried about the move because i had serious doubts that i would find people i could "relate" to easily. in order to prevent this, i brilliantly set about doing absolutely nothing. silly, yes? it's as though i enter a bizarre la-la land where i imagine that meaningful relationships will mystically come out of the woodwork and materialize before my eyes if i sit around and talk to no one. ironically (and embarrassingly), several people have almost literally fallen into my lap. things are starting to take shape, and i have had nothing to do with it. there are people who have visions for change, people who are stretching my thinking, people who are not willing to settle. and strangely enough, they are everywhere...and they are interested in things i have to offer.

i think god interacts with people in different ways. with me, he's quietly dramatic. changes in my life are often huge, but i barely notice the change while it's actually going on. hind-sight's 20/20, and it reminds me that i am not in control. good thing, too. otherwise, i'd still be sitting around with no plans.

so it would seem that i am in recovery from two sicknesses: 1) sickness of body. a minor thing; an inconvenience--the common cold (with fever). 2) sickness of heart. this is much bigger. i could feel things shifting yesterday, and small shafts of light broke through the cracks.

i few months ago, i was convinced that moving to Ipswich was the right thing to do, i just had no idea why. now, the picture is no longer black. it became a fuzzy gray when i wasn't looking. so. i'm waiting for the fuzz to clear--in my sinuses; in my heart.

pass that chronic.

2007-05-30T15:39:00.000-04:00

When i was young, my parents read the lion the witch and the wardrobe out loud to us. i also managed to memorize the delightfully low-budget BBC renditions of LW&W, Prince Caspian, Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and the Silver Chair. They were awesome. awesome like the way Neverending Story is awesome when you are five, but if you make the fatal mistake of watching it as an adult (as i did, to my own detriment) you realize "oh. that kid totally isn't flying. what a sham." kind of like that.

anyway. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe is a great story, but is by no means my favorite of the series. My absolute favorite Narnia book is The Magician's Nephew (not to be confused with the Sorcerer's Apprentice, the mickey mouse disney cartoon with a bajillion walking broomsticks and the title of which forced me into a perpetual uncertainty as to which story people were actually referencing.)

moving on.

the book is fabulous. every so often i read through all the narnia books. My "favorite" probably changes here and there, but something about the Magician's Nephew compels me every time. i love it. I also just finished The Horse and his Boy. also great, although it feels a bit disjointed from the rest of the series to me. There's a distinct stylistic difference.

in other news, i just ordered seven movies from amazon. the reason that this constitutes "news" is because i don't ever buy movies since there are few films i would want to watch more than two or three times. ever. but i finally decided to take the plunge. i am so excited. you have no idea. it's a pretty big step for me...

what else? hmmm. i also caught up on Chicago Public Radio's This American Life, the only radio show i faithfully follow via podcast. sometimes i adore it; sometimes it makes me sad. this week's episode made me more frustrated than ever with American Politics. i feel like everyone lies and cheats (which is likely the case).

most people act shamefully, myself included. How do some things become political issues? Shouldn't they just be, um, everyone's concern? i dunno. seems like i meet genuinely caring and concerned persons who align themselves with both the Democratic and the Republican Parties... not to mention a few Libertarians along the way. so my question is: can't we all just get along? well, apparently not. sigh. what to do, what to do...i like people pretty well and enjoy finding common ground between us. they just don't all like each other.

sometimes i try to make that my problem. then i worry alot and experience high levels of anxiety. then i end up not liking anyone because they are all so unreasonable. just kidding. i still like people. sort of.

but i do maintain that people need to get over themselves. like, "get over yourself and read a good book."

something nice and simple, like a narnia book.

or you can rot your brain by watching cable. trouble is, you might accidentally catch a politician on the news...thank heavens for SNL, the great provider of such great sketches as "Lazy Sunday" featuring that croni*WHAT*cles of narnia.

my apologies.

2007-05-29T12:18:00.001-04:00

my previous post was too lengthy. it's too bad, really, because if our roles were reversed i probably wouldn't take the time to read it all the way through. that's why it's generally better to break things up a bit more. unfortunately i have no brain cells left to bother with any revisions. do what you will.

i don't hate you.

2007-05-29T09:18:00.001-04:00

today, my older sister and her family begin the move out of their apartment and into my parent's house. my family is hilarious. we've reached that point where age is irrelevant and i rarely grow weary of being with them. i have a niece who turns two in a month and a nephew just under five months old (pictures to come.) they provide us with much entertainment.

when my family gathers together, we usually spend our time feasting on fine food, wine and conversations. sometimes, i love to sit back and listen. discussions on theology, society, literary works, art, film, science, and music take place on a regular basis. my father studied English Literature once upon a time, and something of his deep love for the written word managed to creep its way into the very center of my developing mind. My first love is music. but music is a funny thing and, at a foundational level, i believe it to be a pure form of language. Language has the ability to wound and heal. this being said, it is possible to do both with art.

i firmly believe that artists have a responsibility to heal. I am not convinced that we should ever exercise the "freedom" to wound and damage (although, sadly, there are some who believe that simply because a thing can be done, it should be done.) At the same time, art of any medium should, at very least, challenge its viewer. it should do something.

i was watching this TV show where one character, after being asked if she hated the questioner, responded by saying, "i don't hate you. i nothing you." i suppose that's how i feel about some pieces of art. i nothing them. then i mentally slap a "safe" sticker on top of it. i have come to believe that safety is not a real thing. or, at least, safe does not = good or desirable. This believe has had a profound impact on how i approach other disciplines.

it has been my delight to discover that the more advanced each discipline becomes, the more the differentiating lines between them are blurred. What would happen if people world-wide decided to stick with the comfort of what we already know? what would that do for medicine? for science? imagine if people universally concluded that there was nothing left to discover or learn. that certainly would feel more safe...things that are unknown make us squirm. But as soon as i begin to feel safe, i become complacent, i plateau, i become dead. I believe the discomfort of squirmy-growing pains are a sign of life, and each person is responsible for continual forward motion.

my brother and i had a great conversation last night over some wine. We discussed how differently we interact with the world around us; I, the artist and he, the art appreciator. let me start by stating that my brother is well schooled in the arts and dabbles, shall we say, in piano and voice. a fine musician with a moderate degree of creativity in those areas. he also just brought home a fairly impressive bust which he crafted in his sculpture class at school. it is indeed a curious thing that he should consider himself a "non-artist".

my brother talked about the risk the art appreciator takes by opening themselves up to a piece of art. it is new; it is unknown. You surrender to the art and allow it to influence you (for good or ill). It is the difference between using the art and receiving the art. The risk is necessary--without it, you haven't learned anything new; you've just imposed your own self on the art. you haven't listened, you haven't received.

this part of the conversation led to this question: At what point is the artist responsible for what is communicated? (will it heal or wound.) My brother proposed that perhaps the artist should not "close his eyes" and let whatever comes out come out. shouldn't the artist be careful and intentional about exactly what is being said? perhaps. but I disagreed slightly. i often feel i have very little control when it comes to the way my music shapes itself. As for art being a means of communication, a language...i must confess that don't always consciously think about the "vocabulary" i use. each piece is a little entity of its own. it takes shape and goes in directions i would never have thought of. the act of surrendering to the work is equally important for the artist and the art appreciator.

the point at which i am responsible comes well before the actual work evolves. The groundwork for all art is laid way ahead of time. whatever comes out is a direct result of what has come in. therein lies the artist's responsibility. ultimately, we are each responsible to god for our choices and actions.

It is far too easy for artists to get caught up in a sort of mistily ambiguous manner of speech when discussing their craft. that's probably because the things we really want to say are said best through our art. even so, it is good to articulate these things as clearly as possible lest we reach a point where we think ourselves without need of others.

an artist friend of mine talks about artists needing the church as a "chastening agent". this is a fascinating concept to me. how easy it would be to go run off with a bunch of other artists because they "get" me. but i need input other than that of my own design. In the same way, the church desperately needs artists. Each side is guilty of denying its need for the other.

it takes hard work to learn each others languages, but i believe that it can be done. My recent relocation has been difficult in some ways, but i am excited to meet new people and find ways to engage with them.

even if i find people i don't automatically like, it is far better than not finding them at all. after all, i'm not particularly interested in safety. i'm interested in life, and the more people i meet who are un-like me, the better chance i have of making really good art. i love my family. on paper, it wouldn't look like we'd get along as well as we do: my father is a pastor, my mother does counseling, my older sister is a nurse-practitioner, my younger sister studies spanish, her twin brother studies physics and i write songs. not to mention, my niece and nephew will grow up speaking swahili (they move to africa in six weeks.) yet somehow, we'd practically rather be around each other than anyone else.

anyway, a little friction here and there never hurt anybody. iron sharpens iron. it's nice to be home.

time warp

2007-05-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

this weekend was like being in a time warp; like diving into my former self. and, to be honest, it was a tight squeeze. it was a bizarrely awkward mix of past and present--two times overlapping amidst a very painful and very stark now.

the hours moved in slow motion. it felt like we were a part of some sort of eerie play; we, the unconscious marionettes moving in rhythm with one another. One by one, we filed into the church, giving each other nods of solemn recognition.

travis's body lay in the casket in the front of the sanctuary; a bleak backdrop for what would have otherwise been a joyful reunion of old friends. It all felt so...familiar. so fresh. and yet, i felt strangely distant from the faces i once knew so intimately.

we all exchanged kisses and laughs, stories and photos of children, and paused briefly in the natural conversation stills to grieve together. Words of remembering nurtured and healed while Travis's lifeless, waxen figure laid rest as a staid reminder of what had once been so very alive. We celebrated his life and ours, the joy and the sorrow.

I went to my first funeral when i was six years old. a friends grandfather died, and my parents took my older sister and I to the viewing. My sister made a point to avoid the casket, but i remember wanting to look, standing on tip-toes to peer into the old mans face.

Then when i was fourteen, my friend got sick and died within thirty-six hours. my family decided not to take me to the viewing because his face had been so distorted by the illness. they thought it would be too hard for me.

But i rather appreciate viewings because it gives me the chance to see that the alive-ness, the soul and essence of the person isn't there at all. It was remarkable to look at Travis's body--his face looked the same, but it was as though i had never seen it before. His hands, too. They looked totally foreign. Foreign, calm and perfectly centered.

And that isn't Travis. He's the most alive person i know. i suppose that's why it was oddly comforting. There is a natural sadness, but an underlying peace in knowing that Travis is with God.

It's always surprising that it takes a death to bring life so clearly into focus. But isn't that the good news? Jesus' death shook the foundations and opened the way to all life.

We are still in the Season of Easter, the season of resurrection and new life. And we still say, with gladness and real hope:

Alleluia. Christ is risen.
He is risen indeed. Alleluia.

Dear John. or rather, Dear Travis.

2007-05-08T19:33:00.000-04:00

today has been a long day. i got a call from an old high school friend this morning letting me know that a close friend of ours was in a serious car accident last night and suffered severe head trauma.

a few minutes ago i got the call saying that his parents decided to pull the plug. it's the right thing to do; he was gone anyway. the pressure levels on his brain were such that he was rendered completely brain-dead a few hours after the accident.

i lost touch with him a few years ago, but he was a fairly significant friend in my life...to the point where we had more than one "relationship defining" conversations. I spent the majority of my day remembering...

i wrote a long email to him today. see, we parted ways under slightly rocky conditions and i've always felt a twinge of guilt whenever he crept into my thoughts. today i told him i loved him, i wish i had been a better friend and that i was sorry my apology was the better part of four years in coming.

it's funny...i'm always shocked at the impermanence of life. must it really take a tragedy for me to consider this thing called life? and what was it that made me sit purposefully and have a one sided conversation with an old friend---all the while fully knowing that he would never read it.

today andrea told me that god lets people check their email in heaven. ain't no fire can burn that belief out of my system.

so Trav, i'll just finish where we left off. i mean, if god lets you use the internet, you could probably find my blog. here's what i really want to say. Thanks for that poem. i have it in a box somewhere. also, yes, i agree with you that you can find truth about god in mostly any music (although you probably could have said fuck a few less times. ) but in the long run, i don't think i care that much about what word you used as a filler, since i knew how sensitive your heart was. one more thought: ani difranco says that "a tatoo is no more permanent than i am. and whoever said that life was suffering, i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy..." the thing is, trav, i know life was tough for you. i think it can be safely said that you suffered. but i know your finger (or in your case, a clenched fist) was actually holding on to the right thing. and your tatoo? Jehova is strength? yeah, i think you've trumped ani. that one's a little more permanent. i love you. we'll catch up soon.

Poseidon, god of the sea.

2007-05-05T18:41:00.000-04:00

several weeks ago, a storm raged through this coastal town. not long afterward, my mother and i went for a walk along the shoreline. mid-walk, we happened upon a beautiful red beaded necklace lying in the sand. naturally we stopped to stare at it for a few seconds. our eyes scanned the beach for the owner of said necklace. seeing no one, i picked it up. it seemed a shame to leave a perfectly fantastic necklace half buried in the rising tide. we continued our walk and i let the necklace hang loosely from my hand so that anyone walking past us might be able see/claim the necklace. not a soul gave me a second glance.

i came to the conclusion that i, having obviously found favor with Poseidon, god of the Sea, was given the necklace as a gift. you see, this necklace is magical. it has startlingly matched and enhanced every single article of clothing that i have worn. in fact, when i take the necklace off, i suddenly am overcome with the stark plainness and uglification that my clothing undergoes.

ian has told me that the simplest explanations are generally the most reasonable. clearly, my reasoning is impecable. Poseidon's benevolence is the only plausible theory.

mormanism. food for thought.

2007-05-02T21:23:00.000-04:00

I've been watching this documentary on Mormonism the past couple of days. it's really fascinating stuff.

anyway, the documentary kept showing different interviews with various members of the LDS church (latter day saints). some of them were great, some were not. this is bound to happen with any cross section of people from any religious group.

there were a few things that really grabbed my attention. one was a man whose wife felt as though there was someone "missing" from their family; someone who had not been born yet. they prayed about it and decided to have another child. the wife died at childbirth. the man was devastated by this.

here's the catch. if you were certain that god wanted you to have another child and then your spouse died, i imagine you would experience a good deal of pain, anger and confusion. but according to Mormonism, your "salvation" hinges upon how well you behave on this earth. where does this man have room to grieve? or to feel like he's allowed to be angry? the idea is that the harder you work, the closer you get to becoming a god. essentially, you've gotta earn your place. i don't know about you, but that doesn't seem to be good news. it strikes me as rather enslaving.

the other thing that stood out to me was a man who used to be a part of the LDS church. while reflecting on his experience with that church he said two things. one: "whatever it (LDS church) was, it wasn't what it claimed to be". two: "it might be the greatest thing ever invented. but IF it's invented, it isn't worth dying for".

i haven't ironed out all of my thoughts about it, but it makes me wonder why the mormon church is trying so hard to get itself accepted as a main line christian denomination. regardless of your religious beliefs, the fact is that there are several essential doctrines of christianity that the mormon church deny (The Trinity, deity of Christ, salvation by grace and not works etc).

you may or may not think these doctrines are a big deal. but think of it like this. it'd be like muslims trying to make everyone believe that they are really jewish (with the qur'an being god's final revelation after the old testament...) if the muslim world said "no, no this is Judaism. regular judaism. we're not a different religion. we're the same," wouldn't you be a bit skeptical? then imagine if (once gaining the name of Judaism) they said well actually those other people aren't jewish at all.

yeah, it's sort of like that. and honestly, people should be free to practice whatever religion they choose, but why go through the trouble of telling people it is something it isn't?

help me out here. i'm a little confused.

enter sidekick

2007-04-30T21:46:00.000-04:00

i've decided that i probably won't have a side kick for quite a while. i miss illias the dog too much. plus, as it turns out, i've become a sidekick to my mom.

i guess that's cool.

actually i love it. L.O.V.E. I.T. my mom is great and we've run lots of errands together. i've also managed to watch hamlet, the producers, and montel williams. i've plowed through a mystery novel and bought new bedding. in addition to all of this, i made three luxurious necklaces. oh yeah, and i've been to the beach four times...not as much as i would have liked, but i need to get a beach sticker for my car. unfortunately this can only take place when i get MA plates. to do this, i need to have proof of residency and an MA driver's license. i guess i'm just not ready to take that step.

i've feasted with familiy/friends a total of five times this week. good food, good wine.

i also cried alot. i called ian the other day because i knew i missed falafel night and i was sad. he told me he'd mail one to me. i told him not to bother (because that'd be just gross.)

last tuesday i drove my dad to the neurologist. it was really fascinating. it also took most of the day.

this transition has been touch and go. truth be told, i really miss living with i and e. there was just something magical about the last six months.

incidentally, i tried to love another small dog at someone's house the other day. turns out i still don't like dogs. illias was the exception. we had a mystical bond.

not to worry. another side kick will come in due time. and besides, it's totally fun to bother my mom all day. sigh. soon enough i'll have a job and another place to live and a busy life with no time to read. but for now, i think i'll pick up another one of those old fashioned murder-mystery novels and read in bed until i fall asleep.

ahhhhhhh. that's the life. at least for now. maybe i'll get a cat...

see how far we've come?

2007-04-20T08:51:00.000-04:00

illias the dog and i are chillin in my room. it's his favorite hang out. sometimes i feel like we are teenagers. like he's that friend you had in high school who would come to your house to flop on your bed and complain that there was nothing to do. for example: today i told illias that i hated moving. he shrugged his shoulders and yawned a great yawn. then he huffed, you brought this upon yourself. no one is making you move. no, for real. it was loud and clear.

you wanna play fetch? illias dropped a toy in my lap. "nah", i said. "i'm not in the mood."

whatever. i'm out of ideas. illias sprawled out and sighed. then he fell asleep.

if illias had hands, he would totally take a smoking break in the backyard. he's that cool. illias would make a great side-kick. he's the supporting character who everyone likes more than the protagonist.

when i get to boston, who will be my side-kick?

gonna build an ark-y ark-y

2007-04-19T18:34:00.000-04:00

today is thursday.

on monday, i was stuck in Princeton NJ due to flooding. julie and i made three separate attempts to leave. only route 1 was closed. and the difficulty was that it was only closed in the two square miles around diana's apartment. this cut off our access to any other highway. funny thing was that we were just trying to get to 95. 95 was literally forty-eight feet passed the "detour" markers on route 1 that kicked you back onto the road you fought to exit from. just the other direction. so basically, we sat in traffic for an hour before ending up at the mall which was located within eyesight of diana's apartment complex. we also traveled a total distance of about a mile and half.

naturally, julie and i got into a bicker-y spat at the mall because, well, we were at the mall. everyone hates the mall. and it has florescent lighting.

but that is all in the past now. we finally found a way (nearly 24 hours later) onto 95 and had a smooth trip back to reading. not a drop of water in sight.

alleluia!

2007-04-08T07:16:00.000-04:00

Alleluia! Christ is Risen!

He is risen indeed. Alleluia!

last things last

2007-04-07T14:27:00.000-04:00

today was my last yoga class in pittsburgh. lots of "last" things this weekend. strange.

so sad

2007-04-06T09:33:00.000-04:00

yesterday was one of the harder days i've had in pittsburgh. I don't talk very much on my blog about my job due to confidentiality issues...but i happen to have worked with the same little boy for two and a half years. in fact, being around this great kid has been the only consistent and stable thing about my life in the burgh. well, yesterday i had to say goodbye to him. we've been talking about times when it is socially appropriate to cry and about how to control your emotions...

anyway, last night i said goodbye to him, maybe for the last time. i don't think i can adequately describe how painful this was for me. we walked down the hall and i said "well, this is goodbye" (which was probably less than helpful of me, but i was just sad.) he asked me if we could do a really huge hug. naturally i said yes, and several tears rolled down my face. so then he asked if it was one of those times where it was appropriate to cry. i said that it was one of the most natural times to be sad and cry. he gave me a giant hug and then pulled his hoodie down over his face. he didn't really make eye contact with me again.

i told him easter was a time for new beginnings and fresh starts; how it was exciting to see what would come next, blah blah. he thought about it for a minute before saying, "well i'm still pretty sad."

then his mom came and they drove away. i sat on the floor and cried for about five minutes.

i honestly do not know when i will see him again.

i feel like i just lost a friend.

my bon voyage cake

2007-03-26T09:36:00.000-04:00

my friend emily made a bon voyage cake for me last night. we went on a picnic. we carried our slices of cake on plates. here are some pictures.

fat and beautiful

2007-03-16T16:45:00.000-04:00

There is a certain person (who shall remain nameless) bent upon the belief that she and i are amidst a sort of "war" regarding whose sister bears cuter offspring. It is incumbent upon me to inform my readers that this alleged "war" has no foundation in truth or reality. albeit true that afore-mentioned friend's niece exhibits qualities which, according to their very nature, would whereby thrust whomever possesses them into the realm of "cute", there is, in point of fact, no argument that can conceivably be made against the overwhelming supremacy of little bridget's radiant glory. It is a right and just thing to extend the graceful and figurative branch of pity toward she-who-will-not-be-named for having thus far fallen prey to the fantastical falsehoods so egregiously contrived by and within her degenerate mind. so sad.

well chosen words.

2007-03-16T12:49:00.000-04:00

if you would care to glance over to the right side of my blog, you will find a listing of links to blogs belonging to friends of mine. one of the links is shown as "Petras". if you click on this link, you will be directed to the blog of one of the greatest women alive. her most recent blog entry to date begins with enlarged letters that proclaim the following statement: damn you, wintry mix.

She and i think as one.

also, we both like to sing. that is all.

ok, so remember the elephant?

2007-03-15T14:13:00.000-04:00

the one in the room? i sure do. i thought about it again last night for a little while. i really enjoy looking through old journals and remembering where i was, where i am now and where i am going. yesterday i read through my journals covering the last year. i also re-read my whole blog. you may call me crazy, but it is good to reflect. it all started during coffee with two college friends last evening. it got me thinking about my life and how crazy it has been at times. we threw names back and forth, jogged each other's memories, laughed, sighed. some stories never get old.