so much time, so little to say
i have officially embraced the inescapable truth that i am a consumeristic american. i have lavishly spent my money this month on things i do not really need, one of which is the computer i am currently typing on. i also bought a new climbing harness and a new REI jacket (because they were on sale...?) i have gone out several times this week and spent more than i intended on drinks, paid for people's meals on two separate occasions (because they did not have cash) and dropped $3-$5 here and there on coffee dates. I also decided to try to eat more organicly (i.e. spend more money on food). i feel restless and unsatisfied. the things i really care about seem to be on indefinite and possibly permanent hold, and yet i can't quite get my rear in gear. it could have something to do with the fact that i am not sure how to progress in my career. i like it just fine and am basically happy with it, but i get the feeling that there could be something more. but the amount of time i have wasted this week is indicative of deeper issues. i feel sad. things in my life are not entirely happy. i'm pretty good at functioning easily in the face of hardship, but it can be a slow drain. i also feel thin--thin and stretched like bilbo baggins in the lord of the rings as opposed to the slimfast variety. artisticly i feel like a wasteland; i have a nagging feeling that i should be writing more, processing faster, DOING something, but the part of me that loves beauty is dry and empty. it's a bit of a downer when you feel like you have been denied access to your emotional outlet. not to mention the remarkably uneventful interaction i had with kris yesterday...it just felt dead. it makes me sad to think about it. i was surprised at how very dull and non-dramatic the whole event was. i guess i am used to a little more fire and spice in my life's subplots. i'm missing the war.
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