"it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...
...i'm not one of those who can easily hide."(ah, moulin rouge. i have such a love/hate relationship with you. You sneak up on me when i least expect it and creep in at the most unwelcome of times.)
i read about myself the other day. well, actually, it was someone else's interpretation of particular events of my life recorded in their blog. what an odd experience...still not sure how to process it.
my face got hot and prickly when i read it. it recounted bits of my most painful and personal experiences...and then drew life lessons from it; namely, lessons on the ramifications of making a decision without considering who your choices will affect. Some heavy assumptions were made: It was suggested that 1. i ended a relationship because i wished to rekindle an old flame. 2. that i impulsively did this to satisfy my own desires, and that 3. this was a big mistake and hurt people because i didn't stop to consider the impact of my choices.
granted, this friend of mine who wrote about my life had the best of intentions and i am certain that he meant no harm...he was just "thinking out loud" in a manner of speaking. nevertheless, i just felt bad. interestingly enough, he must have simply drawn his own conclusions from scraps of incomplete facts. it contained partial truth: i did end a relationship just shy of two years ago--but for some pretty serious reasons. I was later in another relationship which ended for tragic reasons which could not have been foreseen. either way--this friend of mine never asked me about it. i haven't even heard from him in quite a while. a lot has changed over the past year...he must have found out a few bare-bones details. unfortunately, it was second-hand, second-rate information. and it was so unexpected, so...surprising.
I think my feelings got hurt.
I mean, should i take the time to explain the hospital trips, frightening phone conversations and incredible emotional isolation of last summer? I am desperately grateful for the friendships i have and for the people who supported me and affirmed things about my character throughout the whole ordeal. It took me a while to spiritually and emotionally recover. anyway--it's been exactly one year this week. it was quite some time before i was over my paranoia that people thought terrible and untrue things about my life.
It probably shouldn't bother me so much. i know that the people who really know me, really know the situation. but it's pretty uncomfortable and exhausting to feel like you can never get away from certain past experiences and to know that portions of your personal life are floating about in cyberspace. i guess i hoped it was old news. well. it sucks to be misrepresented...especially in matters of the heart.
and it got me thinking about how i misrepresent god. i wonder what impressions i give. and i wonder if jesus thinks, um. that's not how it was; that's not who i am...
i suppose second-hand information about god gets tricky if you don't verify it. there's too much margin of error--gotta go back to the source. How can i know what is true? who do i seek for answers? who do i call upon for help? who is my shield and defender?
and how can i know him more?
so about this funny feeling inside...the feeling of helplessness, of old wounds revisited...
Let me hide myself in the shadow of Your wings.
O Lord, my rock.
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