oh, reeeeeeeally.
there are some people who i would L. O. V. E. to be able to implicitly trust, because they are fabulous. i mean that quite literally. sadly, recent experiences show that blind trust is usually (if not always) a bad idea. sigh. it's been a hell of a week.a series of unfortunate events, really.
but enough about that. i'll do a follow-up post.
let me tell you a bit about my client. first of all, he is hands down my all time favorite human being in the known universe. by divine benevolence (or grievous mistake), this glorious little person has been placed in my charge. the idea is that i am to instruct him in the wise ways of the world and help him develop tools to navigate his way across social waters. this happens about 30% of the time. the other 70% is where HE teaches ME how to function in life.
oh yeah. i also have an E.T/Elliot bond with my client. (as it would happen, i am more frequently on the E.T. side...) Whatever he feels, i feel. today i found myself choking up over the tragically short life expectancy of sea lions. (approx. 25 years.) i promise you: had you been part of the conversation, you would have cried.
anyway a dear friend called me yesterday and was struggling against skepticism. (i'll tie it all together soon.) she quoted a portion from one of my previous posts in which discussed how consciously i need to keep my heart soft. to be honest, it's hard work. there have been several choice events over the past year that could have pushed me all the way into the raging sea of bitterness. as it stands, one foot has mercifully stayed grounded on hope. here's why:
my client is patient with me. sort of. i suppose as patient as any fourth grader can be. anyway last week i really hurt his feelings by snapping at him. it was completely unintentional. i noticed that he had put his head on his desk and was not actively engaging with the assigned classwork. i asked if he wanted to talk about anything. he shook his head no. i asked if i had hurt his feelings. he nodded yes, squeezed out a few tears and told me i had yelled at him.
i was immediate on the defense. I did not yell at you. i sternly gave you a completely reasonable direction, blah blah blah.
we went in the hall to talk about it and once i realized his meaning, i knew an apology was in order. i needless to say, i did the adult-y thing where you give the i-am-sorry-you-thought-that-i-yelled-at-you-because-i-did-not-yell form of an apology. (ps. this does nothing.)
what i needed to do (and what i finally figured out how to) was ask his forgiveness.
you'd never believe how difficult it is to squeek the words "will you forgive me for yelling at you" out from behind clenched teeth.
but i did, and i am better for it. it is powerfully important for grown-ups to appologize to children. the next day, my client got mad at me for something or other and fumed it out for about an hour. but then he came up to me, told me he was calm and said "i'm sorry for getting so mad at you earlier".
that, my friends, is how i learn lessons in grace and forgiveness and why my heart stays soft...
and now, for the art of living. if only i could live as beautifully as a kid in elementary school.
3 Comments:
If I were a sea lion, I would only have several months left to live.
i know. i would only have days. perhaps this is why i cried.
I love this entry. Growing up sucks. But it is beautiful as well.
I love you. You helped me tremendously.
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