so sad
this was a difficult evening for me. i do not feel able to write about it clearly, but there are some things that we will never get used to as human beings--one of those things is the "ripping" of a relationship. it is always a shock because it is not how we are designed to live.
redemption, forgiveness and grace...i am in desperate need of them.
oh! jesus!
i need you.
me and the boys
yep. just me and the little dogs. my house mates are on vacation, so the dogs and i are fending for ourselves. while i was at yoga this morning, one of the dogs relieved themselves in the living room. i was only gone a little over an hour. i even let both dogs out right before i left.
this brings us to the material point. i do not believe i was meant to be a dog owner. that is all.
whew.
this morning i had to go to traffic court. it was really scary because i have never been to court in any form in my entire life. I don't know what i was expecting...but the building was really small and the hearing took less than two minutes.
the officer did not come.
i did not get any points on my license.
what a relief.
sad news.
my cat died.
mind you, i have not actually seen said cat for a few years because my family gave her to j zook's farm when they moved to boston awhile back.
and yet, something about it has made me disproportionately sad (considering what a small amount of thought i have devoted to this animal over the last year or so.)
i guess it is because i got the cat when i was in first grade. first grade is when you are six-years-old-about-to-turn-seven. that is a looooooooooooong time for a cat to have lived. most of my conscious life, in point of fact.
anyway, it's funny how you don't even notice how much something is bothering you until you stop and think about how many people you have talked to about it. a lot. oh, but always casually. keep it casual.
i called a childhood friend the other night and told him the news. we laughed and recalled stories to each other. it was really just nice, you know? quite nice.
i knew that cat longer than i have known most people. strange...
r.i.p. gwendolyn
feeling good
today i gave the final go ahead on my cd. should be back soon.
in other reflections, i can't believe how fast this year has gone. (late january 06 to late january 07 to be precise.) the other day i was talking to my almost-doctor friend on the phone and we starting thinking about the unusual and surprising paths life has taken us on...and yet some things are exactly the way we expected them to be.
here's an example: I write songs. i also remember back in high school being absolutely positive that i would live at least until i made a cd because it felt like something i was destined to do. (this was before everyone and their mother made cds. and i was just in high school.) well. i have made two cds to date...but instead of feeling like i have fulfilled some sort of grand purpose, i actually feel less sure about what on god's green earth i am actually doing with my life.
here's another example: my friend has been pursuing a career in medicine for more years than she probably cares to remember. and now it is actually a reality. she is doing what she knows she is meant to do, but there are still countless surprises and bonuses that creep in along the way (she got married last summer).
there are some things about my life that i have always known to be true; things i have known would come to pass...but they do not and have not ever happened in a way that i could have remotely predicted.
...if they HAD happened the way i wanted them to, i would be miserable. seriously miserable. it's important that i keep this fact in mind whenever i am tempted to complain or feel frustrated with particular things in my life. ah well. i realize that this post is boring. but blogging helps me think. all you fine folk reading this get an inside look in to my thought process. i like to think about things (lucky for you. or not.)
i feel pretty good today. i think i am going to make some tea and think some more.
"you want wisdom? grow a beard. you want patience? plant a tree."
last night i spent several hours learning from and listening to a man named Simeon, a Russian iconographer. his work is his life, and he has poured himself into it for 51 years. i have rarely enjoyed an evening as greatly as last.
oh baby baby
this is me. this is jack. this is me and jack taking a short nap on sunday. i love this child.
it's done.
tomorrow morning i am going to the post office to put my cd in the mail. i feel marginally exhilarated and subtly terrified. what if something goes drastically wrong? what if the images for the cd art are formatted incorrectly? what if the song order gets switched? what if the whole project explodes in a freak gasoline fight accident? (hey, it could happen.) the anticipation has built up too much! it will be a few weeks until i get the finished product...in the meantime, i better start brushing up on my rusting guitar skills. i haven't really played in months. like back before i started working on the album. like before august. seriously.
at the same time, i think this new cd is something i can stand behind and feel proud. hopefully i will still feel that way in a few years. i remember being really excited about my first cd. a few months later i felt only so-so towards it. the plus side is that the songs on my new album are better than the ones on that last cd. ("what are you talking about?" noah said to me last night. "that last one is spectacular!" hmmm. to each his own. but thanks for the nice thought.) i'm hoping to just keep right on liking this new one forever.
i suppose it's a good thing not to stay stuck in one position for too long, especially with music. AND it is nice to look back and see how my writing has changed and deepened.
stay tuned.
it won't be long now.
ba da BOOM!
i have a nephew. his name is jack. he is perfect. i am going to see him on saturday. would you like to see a picture? maybe two? ah. i thought so.
i'm happy. it's the new year.
so this morning i am heading in for my first day of work in the year 2007. i only sort of want to go...mostly i miss boston.
incidentally, the only major disappointment of the last week and a half is that my older sister did not have the baby. the child just did not want to cooperate. ah well. i shall see it in a few months.
i hope everyone had a great holiday. i'll write more about mine later.
