it's about that time
well. it is 9:53 pm and i am exhausted, but all i really did today was go out to eat. three times. i must say that i was not hungry in the slightest degree by the time the third meal came around. alot of times i eat because it is time to eat, not because i am hungry. I have a difficult time breaking life patterns. i sometimes wish that my life patterns were different, but unfortunately i do not have a good track record for breaking habits. its kinda like getting adicted to your life. you dont always like it, but you cant really imagine doing anything else. in fact, any change--even a good change--is disruptive and a little painful.
a few minutes ago i walked into the coffee shop where kris is doing work. my plan was to be young and vibrant/ artistic/ fun loving/ night-on-the-town kind of girl and stay up til the wee hours sipping coffee and hanging out at a hip cafe with my boyfriend. instead, i sat down and yawned. K just looked at the clock, noticed that it was roughly 10 pm and said, "it's about that time" and shook his head...which really means "whoa, ten o'clock. biiiiiiig surprise. this is the time every evening that you get really tired and boring and just go to bed."
here i sit, desperately attempting to redeem the time by posting on my often neglected blog, but my body is in the habit of entering sleep mode at approximately ten thirty-ish every day. oh, the exciting urban life i life in my head. the person i am inside my head is far, far more exciting than the one in real life. honestly, that is a bit concerning to me. recently, Kris and i have not been relating to each other that well. some of it has to do with extenuating circumstances, but alot of it has to do with the fact that we continue in the relationship because it is part of the habit of life. The heart of the matter is that no one wants to become a habit, just something that you keep around because it's always there. people tell me that eventually the romance dies after the excitement and newness dulls. it has got to be possible to become the person i am in my head. there are hints of that person when i play my guitar for people and when i mingle with people at the club, but other than that my life is filled with generic, regular, boring habits. i even usually eat the same thing for breakfast each day for several weeks. (after all, if peanut butter toast was good enough for me yesterday, it sure as hell will be good enough for me today!)
well. it is about that time.
until then, k
change comes eventually
it's amazing how often we get caught up in ourselves. i have recently been spending my time journaling in a tangible book. since i do not personally own a computer, it is difficult for me to make time to write online.
I had the opportunity to spend thanksgiving with my childhood best friend. It turns out that i had not seen her in a year and a half. sometimes life flies by so fast that i barely have time to enjoy it. i love my apartment, my community, my job...but it is so easy for me to forget my past. i have gotten lazy. i want to remember how to engage my whole self, past and present. it was amazing to revisit familiar people and places. it also made me a little sad, knowing that i can never go back. it was like trying to climb back into the womb. i dont fit anymore. good memories. the thing is that I have changed. not drastically, not too much, but just enough to notice.
i suppose it is all part of life. sometimes i wish things could stay the same, but i know i would be dissatisfied if they did.
after winter must come spring...
